Rachel Writes: Growing Pains

Sisters are like Best Friends and there comes a time when even the closest of friends become distant. This how I have been feeling lately. Ever since I have left home and gone to college I felt like I have lost the close connection I once shared with my little sister. I can't help but look at our past and smile but that is all it is in the past. Time changes and people grow up and sometimes people grow apart even sisters.

My little sister; Emily.
She is the sweetest, the funniest, the goofiest, she has a kind heart, an open mind, an accepting perspective and a sparkling personality. She is also very mature for her age. She has always been like like but I think that is because she the youngest of three and forced to grow up fast. She is way more level headed than our brother and she is way more sociable than me the older sister. She is seven years younger than me but I still consider her my bestest and most truest friend. She is my rock, she has my back when I doubt myself, she is my confidante, she is my sister. Emily is out there, grabbing what she wants and exploring the world. She is in high school now and she is a teenager now.She is growing into who she wants to be.
I am trying to accept the fact She is growing up and how different she has become but it is just so hard to not see her as the little sister who would come to me and beg me to take her with me.
"Please Rachel! Pretty Please Rae-who?!"

So I created these special days called: "You and Me" Days which would consist of shopping at the mall, going to a movie, going out to lunch basically just spending time together. These were a way for me to spend time with Emily when I was in high school/college and now I find it that is is not me who is seeking these days anymore. I understand she was young and she had not yet established her "life" yet but when the time came and I knew it would come I just thought she would still set aside time for a "You and Me" day again. As I sit here writing I can not help but notice I sound jealous and I admit it I am. Jealous of the life she has. jealous of the relationships she shares with others and jealous of the people she has chosen to rank higher than her older sister.

Slowly I have realized I have lost small bits of our close relationship.When we talk, it is nothing more than generic questions with meaningless responses. When we go out to lunch, we eat and that's it.When we hang out, there are new people who come added to the equation. Today, I learned she has a new career goal. I've known about all the other career goals ever since she was three and she wanted to be a Movie Star.
I've been aware of all them, she wanted to be a Pop Star like Brittany Spears, then she wanted to be a movie star, then maybe a Soap Star because the paparazzi wouldn't be so bad, after that she wanted to be a paleontologist, discover a new dinosaur somewhere. Then She went through a period when she wanted to be a Chief. We went to go see Ratatouille together and she fell asleep the first time so we saw it twice and she loved it. She would spin and twirl around the kitchen trying to create new dishes while listening to Les Fin (soundtrack from Ratatouille). Her more recent life calling as far as I knew, she wanted to be a therapist but even to this day it has changed. What lies ahead for her now is Pharmacy!

That is not the only new change in her life but now my little sister has a boyfriend. She has had them in the past but this one is different. He is different because she actually has a personality and he isn't afraid to interact with others beside his girlfriend. My parents like him and in all honesty I really like him too. He really does seem to care about my sister and he treats her like she deserves. Right now they are completely infatuated with each other and spend every spare second with each other. It is soo adorable!
But he is one of the people she has decided to place in priority above me. So I can't help but feel jealous. I have tried to spend time with them but I feel like I don't know what to say and everything I say could be construed as a diss or an embarrassment so I feel like I just can't win. I decided today I am just gonna pull myself out of the situation all together. There is no reason I should place myself in the position of the third wheel.

Besides, It shouldn't be this way, I should not care!She should never have to feel bad for the wonderful life she has. It should not even matter to me, in fact I should be happy for her and just because I have no one doesn't mean I should bring her down with me but I still can't help but feel a bit lonely.
The reason I feel this way, is my own fault. It yet again comes back to my failures, failures to form relationships, being a failure because I let my fear restrict my life. My sister doesn't and when I finally learned not to let the fear restrict your life but I feel it is too late for me. I feel like it is again too late to change my life. I have become to accustomed my choice of lifestyle. I am not a party seeker nor do I like wasting my time nor my money at the bars. I have a bunch of great friends I have gained during my time at college but being summer.

We are all are spending time home. During this time, I was looking forward to spending the summer with my sister/sisters. Emily has her best friend Bailey who is practically like another sister but both of them are growing up. I can see them running ahead and I watch them as they run off into the light. I can't help but smile while I watch them. As much as I miss them and wish it could go back the way it was. I know it can not be as it was before, so now this must be my way of venting and gaining acceptance and peace. I want to be the proper older sister just like all those cool older sisters in animes who are encouraging their younger sibling. They are such wise and encouraging and that is what I want to be like for Emily. I will become that kind of older sister, The older sister who is supposed to cheer them on and encourage them to keep moving forward and continue growing into the strong, independent women I want them to become. So I will cheer for them loudly but in the deepest depths of my heart I will be holding back the tears of sadness but I will cherish the memories and fun times we have shared.